Bear with me Friends... This might get weird.
SO yesterday, I was with some friends at church and we were doing a Meditation on Hope and Patience. Now I do realize that everything I could possibly hope for is found in Jesus. And that is the REAL gift of Christmas. However, I got a little crazy with this hope thing. You see I have something I have been hoping for a very long time. It is a good thing I think, and the more time that passes the more I hope for this. But I still have NO idea if this thing I hope for will ever actually come.
Here is what I wrote down yesterday....
What AM I HOPING FOR????
I don't dare even write it down here - because my hope seems so lofty, so far fetched, at least from the point that I am currently standing at. When I first dreamed this hope it didn't seem that ridiculous, but it seems almost laughable now.
You see I got thrown off my Mountain recently. Or Maybe not thrown off exactly, maybe I just noticed that my Mountain is MUCH MUCH bigger than I previously realized. There I was, on this almost plateau like incline; not too treacherous, but certainly NOT easy either. It was sort of a steady climb up my mountain. I think I may have even gotten into a rhythm and I was feeling good. Like I was gaining ground, and getting close to the top.
Then all of a sudden I went right over a cliff. I think I probably fell a short time down this other side, and when I looked up I saw this other part of my Mountain. It was GIGANTIC. Not at all separate from where I had been climbing, but not what I expected to see. I think I was thinking there was going to be some beautiful open grassy plain, filled with wild flowers and deer or something. Instead it was like the Mattershorn. Jagged and dangerous looking. Oh Boy.
At first I was in shock. I realized how little I had actually climbed when I saw this new mountain peak. I felt VERY ANGRY, like I guess I thought I was doing well, and now I realize I had barely climbed anything at all, compared to how far I had left to go.
I realize I do have some choices. I don't HAVE to climb this mountain. I could pick a new mountain, something entirely new to hope for. Maybe that mountain will be different, and not as tall or treacherous. Or maybe I could stop climbing all mountains. Just stop hoping for anything at all. I could sink back down into the valley and hang out for a while in the shadows of other peoples hopes and dreams and just watch them climb. But that is not really who I am.
I am a Mountain Climber. A dreamer and someone who is filled with HOPE. I am also filled with Faith. For me, however, faith is when I feel certain about the outcome. This particular thing I am hoping for I am really not sure what the outcome will be. I have faith that the outcome will be good. But I only have HOPE that outcome will be what I want it to be.
I get back up and start climbing this mountain again; now full of the realization of how difficult this climb is ahead of me. It is the same HOPE as before, but a much much steeper climb. I have no idea how long it will take to get there, or if I ever WILL make it to the top of this Mountain. I don't even know for sure if the top is everything I hope for. But I keep climbing regardless.
IT is MY Mountain to climb. No one else can climb it for me. No one else can bear this burden in my place. My Lord walks with me, and comforts me along this journey, but out of love, he allows me to experience this climb, because he knows it will make me stronger.
Which then brings me to PATIENCE.
Oh how I hate this word. Not just because the time it requires - but mostly because I don't know how to occupy the time. If I have faith in something, then it seems a waste to keep praying for this thing with which I have faith will be answered. However, if I only have hope, then what am I supposed to do while I wait with patience? How do I climb this mountain? DO I try and help the situation, do I attempt to control or manipulate the outcome? Do I try and forget about the entire thing while I wait and occupy my mind with other thoughts while I climb? But if it means so much to me that I am willing to climb this mountain, then HOW do I just forget about it?
And if I turn the whole thing over to GOD, completely and let him handle the entire thing, then what is my role during the time I am supposed to be patient? This is something I have a very hard time understanding. How do you turn something that you hope for with every essence of your being; something that you have ZERO control over; how do you give that completely to GOD, and then wait patiently for the outcome?
Please Lord, give me something to focus on while I wait for your will to be done in my life.